see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
