Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
