Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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