was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
