is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
