Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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