I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
this will be a night to untag.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
