If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
