Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
