I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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