Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
