Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
