I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
