Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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