Your face is a jimmy john
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
