Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
