Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize