Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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