He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
