i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
