there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
