Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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