Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
