i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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