beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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