Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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