I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Randomize
