So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
