i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I have aggressive nipples.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
