Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
