his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
