It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
