His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
