I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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