tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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