We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
