you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
