he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
