It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
