I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
