I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
