Your dad touched me again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
