I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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