Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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