he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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