I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
