We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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