hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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