Just took my morning after pill in the library
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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