I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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