Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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