Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
