If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
How naked do you want me to be?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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