I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
