what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
