This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
