just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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