that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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