opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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