you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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