you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize